Written for Segullah

I hovered over my desk and turned on my computer. Too busy to sit, I became a frantic bird and flitted about, never finishing one thing. I walked back and noticed the homepage had skipped to a different site. Thin legs sucked into dark denim glared at me.

The caption ‘how to wear boyfriend jeans 18 different ways’ taunted viewers in bold block letters.  Do I really need an article to tell this to me? And 18? Come on. I thought. But I clicked anyway.

I looked away, and thought back to the weekend.  My college roommates, my people, had planned a short get-a-way to California.  This was no small feat: jobs, babies, and husbands were left in order for 5 girls to travel from 4 different states for 3 days. We run 13 years deep, and have known each other through boyfriends, break-ups, unfortunate fashion fads, heartbreaks, marriages, moves, wishes, and defeats.  We are women now, but laugh and relax as the clear-eyed, open-hearted 18 year olds we were when we walked through the doors of college life.

The rarity and blessing in the lack of competition, drama and the ease of support, transparency and laughter is not lost on me.  In moments when I forget there is divine construction of people and events in my life (which happens mostly in dramatic dating woes and familial angst), I remember these women and how I’m wrapped in their stories, and they in mine, and am brought back to a warm knowledge in the strength and holiness of my associations in all realms. I’ll just say they are my Diana Barrys and leave it at that.

Years ago when teaching 9th grade, I met a teenage girl through a bathroom mirror. Not having time to go across the school to the faculty lounge between classes, I darted in the student restroom.  As I washed my hands, I noticed a young girl dressed in black, with a short dark stick straight bob. She wore lipstick and drew on eyeliner over already heavily placed eyeliner as she talked to her friend.

“I need to go home and put on make up – I have like no make-up on.”

I almost laughed out loud, but as I walked away I thought these young girls have no idea who is looking back at them in the mirror. And do we really see them? Do we even see ourselves?

We let our (women and especially young girls) currency and validation come from status updates and screens. Culture tells us who we are and how much we cost and we are happy to oblige. What kind of jeans to buy? Click.  How big should my boobs be? Click.  What is the in color of hair this year? Click. How to keep, catch, or train your man? Click.

Here’s the thing – I click too.  A lot. And I know the dialogue of women and media literacy is growing, but the root of the dissonance for me is lack of identity and not feeling seen. When I’m with these women and friends, it shocks me back to a more aware state of worth and joy. And this is the base to then work from and relate to other women – to see more of their divinity and strength before, or amidst, or over the critiques, judgments, comparisons, and perceived flaws of all of us. Which, let’s be honest, we have endured many Mormon Mean Girl moments from different angles and positions of late. Counter. Productive.

As we sat in a hotel room in California, our tired bodies with salt water hair and baggy sweats laid heads on the table and drifted in and out of consciousness and we closed our eyes, and talked.

We parked on the side of the street and walked a few hundred feet through a parking lot. I felt tired, even loopy after a 6-hour drive to Las Vegas followed by a red eye flight across an ocean. 

“We can’t check in until 3pm, and it’s only 10am, so let’s just go to the beach?” Marianne suggested. 

“Did I hear a question at the end of that sentence?” Melissa joked.  “Why would you raise your voice at the end like it was a question?”

 The three of us had the same beach and vacation rhythm, making being together on an island ideal. It was our second trip and we vowed it had to become a tradition.  Our rules were simple. We could book this trip if:

1. We could find air-fair and lodging for $1000.00 or less.

2. You were fine wasting away on the beach for multiple days in a row. No crazy driving or hiking adventures.  You must be lazy.

3. You were willing to stop counting how much sugar and diet coke you consumed while off the main land.

       
            It became an unintended sanctuary, our rite of spring and shedding our winter-tired skin. Comfortable hours spent starring off into the ocean without hearing or speaking a word, followed by hours of sharing deep unguarded secrets. Laughter and silence sat side by side and upon our return, we knew salt water truly did have healing properties.

           
             After we found our beach and parked, we dug through our bag comprised of more swimsuits than clothes, making it easy to grab one. The magic air and location tricked us into forgetting high-maintenance habits and anti camping vows. Stripped of our worries, appointments, and inhibitions from the Motherland, we rolled the windows down enough to trap a towel and create a make-shift dressing room. Shirts came off, pants were thrown, and the acrobatic feat of pulling lycra on over sticky bodies ensued. We dumped sunscreen, books, and water bottles a la yours, mine, and ours into a beach bag still littered with sand pieces from last year. The chairs we bought at K-mart minutes earlier swung against our backs. The weight of the bags, and chairs distracted me from realizing I had bare legs and hardly anything covering my chubby winter skin.

              As we walked, I saw the brown dumpster in a corner next to huge flowering bushes. Round and brown little bathing suit kids threw popsicle wrappers inside; only half the wrappers made it in.

“Don’t you wish it was still cute to be chubby and have rolls on your thighs at this age?” Marianne sighed.

Melissa and I played along, and pulled our jersey beach dresses up to make it even shorter and kept walking. 
The familiar brown general store with green wooden letters and an A-shaped awning was on our right, and reminded me of a simpler world.  I felt thrown back to the 60’s because it looked just like the buildings in The Parent Trap with Hailey Mills. This store would soon provide our daily sustenance.  Natural Cheetos’s and Diet Coke. As the three of us walked past, our eyes met each other and we silently new our traditional beach habits had commenced. Seconds later we all stopped, creaked our tired bodies over and slipped off our flip-flops. Hot damp grains of sand met our pale winter feet (disguised with bright nail polish) and we plodded along. The lethargic movements looked like a modern dance to me; our slow annual glide familiar, and almost in perfect unison. The colors of green and turquoise glass roared their silent call and before lying down for the next few hours, we stood at attention.